woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
