I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
