You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
