Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
