Your face is a jimmy john
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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