I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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