don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I would ride that face into the sunset
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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