I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
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Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
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I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
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