as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
