Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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