ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
