Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
