I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?