I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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