and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
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he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
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I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
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