I'm gonna have a badass scar
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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