I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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