She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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