Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
i came on her dog
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
