i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Randomize
