I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
