my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
