I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
