On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
