I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
