Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
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Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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