I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
This is my gift to your gina
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
The Olympian is in my bed
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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