Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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