butt plug
anus plug
rubbish cock?
yes
you suck at this game today
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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