i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
