when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
