Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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