Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Randomize
