My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
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