If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
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You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
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now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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