If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize