Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
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