I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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