Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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