And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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