Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
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