you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
