Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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