I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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