just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
