Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Randomize
