ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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