doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
