I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
