I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
