another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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