Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
