I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
PANTIES FOUND
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
