I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
