In the future we'll all be gay
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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