dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
