dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
