Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
