Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
