Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
