So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
