I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
He did a backflip because drugs
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
