angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
